Lost Mind

Me In 50 Years

What’s going on people? Miss me? I’m sure you have, I’m awesome.

I have still yet to return from Scotland, I’ll probably head back on Monday, still have my cousins wedding to attend tomorrow which I’m sure will be bags of fun =/. The thing about weddings is, unless I’m not directly involved I just find them boring.

I don’t want to stand in a church and sing stupid religious songs (especially considering all parties involved aren’t even religious themselves) nor do I find sitting down and standing up every five minutes especially pleasing.

“But you get to be reunited with your family.” They say, but that’s what Facebook was invented for so I wouldn’t have to. I’m probably the most disconnected member of this family, my real family are my friends that have been there for me over the years, not these half strangers. I’m no one important to this wedding, just a cousin, a cousin who lives 350 miles away, a cousin who most likely won’t even be noticed or spoken to by the bride and groom during the entire thing, much like my other cousins wedding earlier this year. At least then I had that trout faced bitch I called a girlfriend to talk to that time around.

I’m just there to add to the numbers. I’m not bitter or anything, it’s just a fact. I fully expect them to be bored and pointless when they attend my wedding (LOL). Never the less, here I am up north and have been since I returned home from Leeds Festival last Monday; shit, showered, shaved and I was straight up here in the car.

It’s good to get away from home, after being out of work for so long it was nice for a change of scenery; the day after I got here my cousin Paul made me visit my grandmother who now resides in a retirement home for the mentally demented; I don’t think it’s called that but it sounded more interesting than the actual name of the place.

My Gran was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimers a few years back and after granddad died back in 2010 she only got worse; feeding her dog Lucozade and Haribo, it soon became apparent that she could no longer look after herself and she moved in with my aunt and uncle, but as she got worse she was put in a home; she went kicking and screaming at the time I’m told and who wouldn’t?

My mum and dad visit her every now and then and it’s obvious that she no longer remembers much of anything; I visited and she didn’t even know who I was. She didn’t know who my cousin was and he’s the favourite grandson, she at least connected him to family thinking he was a “son-in-law” which is close enough I suppose, for all she knew I was just some random person that had come to see her.

She didn’t even remember living in Crail, in the very bungalow I’m in now and she lived here for over 25 years. It’s a sad state of affairs when the mind goes completely like that, to forget who your whole family are.

It does make me wonder what does go through her mind, but if that was me I couldn’t help but think about ending it all, seriously, what’s the point?

Retirement homes are dreadful places, they are just places to put people when they can no longer look after themselves, if I ever get that way, I will take my own life. I refuse to be an inconvenience to some 20-odd year old who has to wipe my ass. Seeing my gran does make me worry for my future. I mean sure that’s 50/60 years away and there’s a very small chance I’ll make it that long but I have a history of being unlucky so I more than likely will end up like that at some point.

I sat there and watched her for 45 minutes, I was sat next to some old geezer having a sleep who I was continually assured was still alive despite the fact that it didn’t look like he was breathing the entire time while my cousin tried to make small talk, which went something like:

Paul: So how have you been?

Gran: Well, he was over here, but I think he’s gone off to errr, well you know, you’ve met her.

Then she’d keep getting up and wandering off down the hall, forgetting what she was doing and then come and sit back down.

It was then I came to accept that both of my grandparents are now gone, she’s just an empty shell waiting to physically die, but mentally, she died long ago.

It’s pretty doubtful that I’ll ever see her alive again too, as it’s rare I’m up here; it was actually the first time I’d seen gran since granddads funeral a couple of years ago, she’s just going to be the next reason why I’d need to make the trip up north.

Though, when some demented old woman that could only communicate by singing everything was doing our heads in, she didn’t hesitate in walking over there and telling her to shut up, proving that she’ll always be a Howorth no matter what her mental state might be.

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15 thoughts on “Lost Mind

  1. One of my mom’s biggest fears was ending up like that. She never wanted to be some burden who couldn’t wipe her own ass. She died younger than most but at least there is some solace knowing she’d be thrilled knowing I never had to clean shit from her underwear.

    Everytime I see my grandma I think the same thing as you do, I’ll probably never see her again alive. I’m always wrong. Best to make the most of the times you do have together even if you’re not that close.

    • Wow, I know pretty much how you feel, ML. My mom died at 58, and as tough as that was, it was nice knowing she died with all her faculties, she never didn’t know who I was.

    • We’re not close physically either, she’s like a 7 hour drive away and I’ll be damned if I’ll be travelling 7 hours to see someone that doesn’t remember me anymore, at least she seemed in good health which is what we can only hope for at this point, who knows, maybe they’ll one day cure alzheimers! I just hope I don’t get it otherwise you’ll be having to read repeats posts.

  2. Your grandma is funny. I am sorry that she doesn’t remember much but it makes passing on easy I suppose?

    LOL and you will get married soon, you said it yourself that you have a history of being unlucky ;) <3

    Also, I am going to post the guest post tomorrow morning. Sorry school has been shit and a moron had been wasting my time. I am done with that now, so I should have plenty of time for postings and blog hopping!

    Have fun in Scotland and come visit me in TO! Also, also, also, YOU ARE AWESOME!

    • Haha thank you :) so are you! Just got back from Scotland, it was such a nice change from where I live, didn’t wanna come home but alas, I had to. Canada’s on my todo list so perhaps one day :D

  3. I hate weddings too, blah.
    Maybe when you get married you need to have a (secret) proper wedding with your friends attending, then an especially mind-numbing ceremony (no chairs, lots of waiting for the bride and groom) planned just for the family to attend as revenge for all those previous boring family events.

    • Haha that’s a good plan, this one was pretty good actually, we were pretty much in and out for the church then it was onto food and alcohol which is always a good thing.

      So is me chatting up married women!

  4. I only hope people with advance Alzheimer’s don’t know how their disease is affecting them and their loved ones. It’s awful. I’ve seen it up close. There is no dignity in this disease.

  5. Pete! I’m sorry I’ve not been around for the past week, I’ve been busy and my head monsters have been pulling at my eyeballs. This post made me feel so sad, my Grandma has an early onset of Alzheimer’s too and even though she isn’t half as bad as your Gran sounds, every time I see her she seems to get worse- it’s amazing how quickly it happens. I called her the other day and spoke to her only for about five minutes and she asked me the same thing four times. It’s heartbreaking, I just hope that your Gran knows somewhere in her heart that you did go to see her.

    I worry about my future too because it’s said that it skips a generation, but that might just be an old wive’s tale. At least we can be insane together when we’re old- even if we don’t remember that.

    • Pesky eyeball monsters! Aye it starts slowly Alzheimer’s, like she’d phone me at 11pm asking for my dad and when I said he’s away for the week, try him on his mobile she’d go “Oh I dont want to wake him” =/

      They say everything skips a generation, such as baldness, my grandad was bald, my dad has his hair still, it’s doubtful I’ll go bald as I have afro hair, but if we do both get it Alzheimer’s we can just keep reading each others posts over and over and still be amazed :D

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