What’s going on people? Miss me? I’m sure you have, I’m awesome.
I have still yet to return from Scotland, I’ll probably head back on Monday, still have my cousins wedding to attend tomorrow which I’m sure will be bags of fun =/. The thing about weddings is, unless I’m not directly involved I just find them boring.
I don’t want to stand in a church and sing stupid religious songs (especially considering all parties involved aren’t even religious themselves) nor do I find sitting down and standing up every five minutes especially pleasing.
“But you get to be reunited with your family.” They say, but that’s what Facebook was invented for so I wouldn’t have to. I’m probably the most disconnected member of this family, my real family are my friends that have been there for me over the years, not these half strangers. I’m no one important to this wedding, just a cousin, a cousin who lives 350 miles away, a cousin who most likely won’t even be noticed or spoken to by the bride and groom during the entire thing, much like my other cousins wedding earlier this year. At least then I had that trout faced bitch I called a girlfriend to talk to that time around.
I’m just there to add to the numbers. I’m not bitter or anything, it’s just a fact. I fully expect them to be bored and pointless when they attend my wedding (LOL). Never the less, here I am up north and have been since I returned home from Leeds Festival last Monday; shit, showered, shaved and I was straight up here in the car.
It’s good to get away from home, after being out of work for so long it was nice for a change of scenery; the day after I got here my cousin Paul made me visit my grandmother who now resides in a retirement home for the mentally demented; I don’t think it’s called that but it sounded more interesting than the actual name of the place.
My Gran was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimers a few years back and after granddad died back in 2010 she only got worse; feeding her dog Lucozade and Haribo, it soon became apparent that she could no longer look after herself and she moved in with my aunt and uncle, but as she got worse she was put in a home; she went kicking and screaming at the time I’m told and who wouldn’t?
My mum and dad visit her every now and then and it’s obvious that she no longer remembers much of anything; I visited and she didn’t even know who I was. She didn’t know who my cousin was and he’s the favourite grandson, she at least connected him to family thinking he was a “son-in-law” which is close enough I suppose, for all she knew I was just some random person that had come to see her.
She didn’t even remember living in Crail, in the very bungalow I’m in now and she lived here for over 25 years. It’s a sad state of affairs when the mind goes completely like that, to forget who your whole family are.
It does make me wonder what does go through her mind, but if that was me I couldn’t help but think about ending it all, seriously, what’s the point?
Retirement homes are dreadful places, they are just places to put people when they can no longer look after themselves, if I ever get that way, I will take my own life. I refuse to be an inconvenience to some 20-odd year old who has to wipe my ass. Seeing my gran does make me worry for my future. I mean sure that’s 50/60 years away and there’s a very small chance I’ll make it that long but I have a history of being unlucky so I more than likely will end up like that at some point.
I sat there and watched her for 45 minutes, I was sat next to some old geezer having a sleep who I was continually assured was still alive despite the fact that it didn’t look like he was breathing the entire time while my cousin tried to make small talk, which went something like:
Paul: So how have you been?
Gran: Well, he was over here, but I think he’s gone off to errr, well you know, you’ve met her.
Then she’d keep getting up and wandering off down the hall, forgetting what she was doing and then come and sit back down.
It was then I came to accept that both of my grandparents are now gone, she’s just an empty shell waiting to physically die, but mentally, she died long ago.
It’s pretty doubtful that I’ll ever see her alive again too, as it’s rare I’m up here; it was actually the first time I’d seen gran since granddads funeral a couple of years ago, she’s just going to be the next reason why I’d need to make the trip up north.
Though, when some demented old woman that could only communicate by singing everything was doing our heads in, she didn’t hesitate in walking over there and telling her to shut up, proving that she’ll always be a Howorth no matter what her mental state might be.