Dealing With An Embarrassing Condition

So today at work was going pretty normal as usual, having the occasional banter with people I work with, talking about various subjects. Today I got a complaint put in about me because some old woman who works on the other side of the office walked past and overheard a conversation I was having, she felt the need to pop over and comment…

Woman: Excuse me but I don’t think your conversation is suitable for an office environment.

I was going to post a graphic image representation of what it looks like, but instead this is what my face looks like when the piles are acting up.

Me: Yeah? Well you work over there, no one over here is complaining or offended so why don’t you piss off back to your own work station and stop ear wigging.

Then the manager had a word with me because the fucking bitch complained! Well sorry maybe I’ll go and stand over where she’s working and wait until she puts a foot wrong then.

Anyway what we were talking about was a condition I’ve been suffering for quite some time now, I call it piles or what it’s usually called, hemorrhoids. Imagine a bunch of grapes in your anus that are constantly causing pain and discomfort, that’s what I have, it’s a common thing so you all know what it is.

Anyway I’ve been suffering from piles for about six or seven months now and I can’t quite seem to shake it, the pain usually subsides after awhile until the next time I go to the toilet then it flares back up again! Recently I had to resort to using suppositories, or bum torpedoes as I call them as they’re basically torpedo shaped that you have to push up there, it’s not a pleasant thing to do either.

Normally if I have any sort of condition I’ll go to the doctors but I’ve been trying to put off going to the doctors for the longest time because not only is it embarrassing but I don’t want a doctor inspecting my anal canal! I feel the best way to sort this out is my trying methods without the use of a doctor.

So far the only thing I’ve tried is the suppository but that’s obviously not working so I need to try something else, apparently there are things called sitz baths, which is basically just sitting in a bath filled with water up to the hips. I don’t know how that works but it must be worth a try!

The reason I tell you all this, embarrassing as it is, is because I would like some additional feedback on what treatments seem to work best if you your self have suffered from such an affliction or you know someone else that has. It’s usually manageable but most of my day involves sitting (working in an office and the driving to and from work) so it doesn’t really help things. I can’t remember the last time I’ve sat in comfort.

I fear if nothing else works I will have to buck up and visit the doctor, my doctors female though and definitely the last person I want rooting around up there!


Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

7 thoughts on “Dealing With An Embarrassing Condition”

  1. Dear God man, go to your doctor! I have to go to the doctor at least once every two weeks to get checked up on my various elements, embarassing and otherwise. I’m pretty sure that at some point they’re gonna start thinking I’m a hypochondriac and giving me ‘miracle-cure’ pills that are probably just going to be made of water, sugar, and some kind of laxative for shiggles.

    Where was I? Oh yes. DOCTORS! Worst case scenario is that you’ll be a bit embarassed, but they’ll have seen it all before. I’m pretty sure you can buy creams for piles aswell, but maybe get something on persctiption ‘cus it’s more likely to be stronger! Good luck dude. Swallow your pride and you’ll be able to sit down in no time 😉

  2. My roommate had piles. When she didn’t take care of it, she had to get operated. So stop procrastinating and go see a doctor. There are tons of other doctors if you are shy of your lady doctor. One visit and subsequent relief versus constant pain and probable operation, which one do you think is the smarter thing to do?

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