Hemorrhoids, Fags and Pussy

So an update from yesterday, finally went to the doctors and told him that I have piles, he suggested stuff I’ve already tried, he then referred me to the Royal Hospital in Chesterfield but the only snag is I have to wait a month for my bloody appointment, the doctor seemed more concerned with me stopping smoking! That’s not what I came in for, I tried quitting last year, it was the most depressing four months of my life.

I hear people go on about smoking all the time and wish they had never started and don’t have the will power to quit. Well I do have the will power but the thing is, I like smoking, I enjoy it and if I die from it, I die from doing something I liked to do. Oh it’s bad for your health bla bla bla, so’s getting hit by a bus or dying in a plane crash, anything could happen at any time, my Grandad never smoked and he got cancer where as my Gran on the other side smoked all her life and died in her late 80s. So I’m not worried.

Anyway, thankfully the doctor didn’t want to check my piles, I insisted that they were internal, there was no bunch of grapes hanging out of my bum hole. Because he changed the subject to smoking I forgot to ask him what I was meant to do in the mean time while I’m waiting for this hospital appointment! I suppose I’ll just have to keep at it with the creams and whatnot.

Marley And Me

Anyway there’s no chance of me stopping smoking fags (cigarettes) when I got this the other day…

Boom! That’s right! So after leaving the doctors feeling that I had pretty much wasted my time I went home, got changed then went to the cinema with Fiona to watch Super 8, which I thought was pretty awesome. I love J.J. Abrams! The only thing was I couldn’t really enjoy the film because my arse was hurting all the way through the bloody film!

Soon as I got in I popped in a bum torpedo (Suppository) and went to bed!

I was in a pretty bad mood today at work, don’t really know why, my pal Alistair wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like having a pointless conversation with idiot women. Seriously the shit that comes out of their mouths over the course of the day was unbelievable, they complain about me being too crass, I should complain for them making me lose I.Q. points!

I don’t dare even think about what they were saying, it makes my blood boil.

The start of the day one of the girls there pops her head over my computer screen…

Girl at work: You’re quiet today.

Me: No one worth talking to.

Girl at work: What about me?

Me: I can’t answer that.

Girl at work: Why not?

Me: Manager told me to stop being overly offensive.

She pretty much left me alone after that, seriously, I didn’t care, I have a week left before I go to Leeds Festival then pop off to my new job after that, I’m there to earn whatever money I can, I’m not there to make friends then I had to hear her and some other tart chat. I seriously wanted to fetch the ear plugs out of the car…

Girl 1: My friends done nothing but cry for the past week.

Girl 2: Why?

Girl 1: Because her boyfriends just joined army and left, now she’s at home looking after the baby.

Girl 2: Oh how old is the baby?

Girl 1: Only a few month, seriously why would you have a child and then go and join the army? Why would you want to leave your baby?

Banging my head on the desk…

Girl 1: I asked her if she wanted to come round for dinner but she was still in tears.

Me: Maybe if the daft bitch was on the pill and didn’t get herself pregnant then he wouldn’t have had to run off to the army. As I said before, if she’s not on the pill it’s her problem, obviously he thought the same way as me, he just handled it better.

Girl 1: What do you mean better?

Me: Well I’d have… nevermind.

Thought I’d leave it there, and went back to being silent for the rest of the day. For those that haven’t read my past posts, it’s just something I came out with to amuse myself, I don’t actually think this way, while I don’t want children I certainly wouldn’t leave if I got someone pregnant, nor would I push her down the stairs… I do want to make it until the last day though before I start offending everyone, so I managed to bite my tongue!

Got home from work, parents have bought another fucking cat! For some reason we have to keep it at one dog and three cats! I don’t know why! I didn’t even realise the last one went missing until my mum told me four weeks later. I never saw the last one much, it took an instant disliking to me though and I didn’t even do the usual things I normally do to cats such as tying something around their waist to make them lose balance (Seriously try it, harmless, tie two socks together, then tie it around the cats waist, not too tight but tight enough that it can’t get free, can’t walk for shit!), putting the cat on the top of the door, wait until it finds its footing then rattle the door, strap it to a belt and dangle it under the shower. Yeah I was a cruel fucker, but it caused the cats no real harm!

This one, apparently called Midnight (What a shit name for a cat.) is all black (duh) and seven weeks old. Cute little thing but kittens are bastards.

My favourite cats are long dead and for some reason in a wooden box on my shelf, my mum has a habit of having them cremated then having them in a ceremonial box, but instead of burying them, uses them as ornaments. (Guests aren’t impressed when she bangs our dead dog on the dinner table.)

Ziggy
Mischief

Ziggy was pretty much my cat, she used to wait for me to come home from work or a night out, come and say hello and whatnot, then after I’m done watching tv in bed, she used to wait for me to turn the tv off then come and climb in bed. Think she had some sort of liver problem or something, she lost a lot of weight and eventually had to be put down.

Mischief was a badass, definitely a tom cat, when we got our new dog Missy, she used to chase the cats around the house, she saw Mischief standing outside looking ‘Ard, ran at him, the cat didn’t even budge, waited until the dog got close enough then swiped for her. Dog never bothered him again after that, funny as well because Mischief would be on the chair in the front room, if the dog came within a metre, he’d be growling at her until she pissed off. Best moment I’ve ever seen was the time he was sat on the fence looking at a bird down below on the ground, eying it up like, “Yeah I’m fucking having you pal.”

The bird flew off, the cat leapt off the fence, caught the bird in mid-air, took it down and swiftly killed it, cat like reflexes my cat had!

As you can seen from the photo though, in October 2007 he too developed some sort of internal organ problem and had to be put down. It’s a damn shame because I’ve had those two cats since I was very young, since then I’ve tried my hardest not to get attached to animals especially after my dog Champ died of a stroke not long after. Once I manage to get some one on one time with the new little kitten I’ll attempt to photograph it and post it on here, maybe if there are pet lovers, I’ll post some photos of previous pets that meant the most to me!

So that’s what I did yesterday/today, only two days until the weekend, where I’ll be getting extremely intoxicated for one of my best mates birthday, don’t be surprised if I’m not around this weekend!

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

9 thoughts on “Hemorrhoids, Fags and Pussy”

  1. Ha Pete, enjoyed your post… Sorry about your bum though.

    I like that you can talk about fags and pussies and you find them both in your home on a daily basis… If I were to write about that it would have to include my cousin and his long time room mate who both collect antiques, loved pink and white furniture, drank white Zin for breakfast and owned 17 cats (not pussies)….. Continuing, I would then have to decide which way to take the pussy post – there are two roads to travel regarding this topic but I think I’ll stop here 🙂 for the sake of maintaining my ladiness.
    Thanks for the smiles!

  2. (I hear people go on about smoking all the time and wish they had never started and don’t have the will power to quit. Well I do have the will power but the thing is, I like smoking)

    Me too, as for the piles they bloody hurt, hugs for ya, love your thinking, will be back kidda x

    1. Thank you 🙂 too right they hurt! If it was my arm that was in pain I’d probably say something like “I’m about two minutes away from cutting the damn thing off!”

      But you can’t say that with piles, you can’t cut your arse off! Argh

  3. Seriously, you should smoke until your lungs rot. No, really. You only live once and you should spend that time doing whatever the Hell you enjoy! As one of my lecturers said to me once, ‘Smoke as much as you can, drink until you vomit, have sex with everyone… stick it to the fucking man- it’s better to die young and have lived, than to die old and to have not’. He also told me to punch polar bears in the face to combat the idea of global warming, so you know he’s a total legend.

    Oh, and as for cats, a new idea could be to sellotape them around your body. Furry, soft pillows whenever you want them! Nothing could go wrong. NOTHING.

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