The Blogfather Trilogy: 1 – Food Shopping Pet Hates

In less than five hours I’ll be heading off to Leeds Festival, at a psychopathic half 4 in the morning to get there early, last year we got there about midday and the traffic was horrendous, then when we got to the camp site we wanted to go to, it was rammed, we got a good space mind but this year there’s probably going to be a few more tents and there’s definitely more people in our group going so we want to make sure we have first pickings.

Today has been absolutely hectic, the last day finally arrived at Ventura, someone actually shed tears, despite being such a bastard to everything at the beginning. They all came to realise that I was that much of a prick, they just didn’t understand my sense of humour, they won’t be happy when they realise I actually did little to no work that entire day and spent that day looking on the internet and making a list of things to take to Leeds Festival.

Had a chat with some of the women there, told them about my new job, they all wished me luck and before I knew it I was handing my pass in and driving away from that building for the last time. In hindsight it’s been a lot of fun and it was a nice little break before I had to start to buckle down and try and make a career somewhere.

I left at 2:30pm as I started half an hour early, because I had to go to the Post Office in Chesterfield, a 45 minute drive away to sort out a criminal record background check for the new company I’m going to, that took 40 minutes because the person behind the counter had no clue what she was doing. Got that sorted, got home then I had other things to sort out such as packing and shopping!

With me going to Leeds Festival there’s no way I’ll be blogging until at least Monday when I give you all my thoughts about Leeds and let you all know what went down! So I thought I’d write a few blogs before I left which I’ve entitled The Blogfather Trilogy (I’m such a clever bastard). Three topics which I was thinking about all week but never got the chance to write about so why not keep you all busy for the weekend while I’m away?

The first one of course is about Food Shopping (Or Grocery shopping for you ‘Merican’s.), I hate food shopping, almost on the brink of despising it. I only go when I really have to, all other times things can be bought from a shop. But with Leeds coming I needed to get food to take with me, last year I took a load of pasta stuff and sandwiches which wasn’t clever because I didn’t realise the use-by dates were like the next day so that’s £30 worth of food wasted just about. This year I took a different (and disgusting) route… Canned foods! Foods that are sure to be in date for at least five years!

The stuff I bought to take to Leeds was:

  • Spam
  • Luncheon Meat
  • Canned ham
  • Pepperami
  • Potato Salad
  • Tins of tuna
  • Monster Munch~!
  • McCoy’s Crisps
  • Tinned Tuna Lunches
  • Corned Beef
  • Paté (Lolz)
  • Sweets
  • Jaffa Cakes
  • Breakfast Bars
  • Nutrigrain Bars

I’m sure there was other stuff aswell but that was the main stuff I bought and it wasn’t cheap, I then bought five 12 can crates of beer to take with me as well, all in all it was around £100, luckily for me I have a rich father and a mother that likes spending his money! It’s going to be one unhealthy weekend eating all that crap but if it saves me £5 everytime I want something to eat then so be it!

But while I’m walking around this supermarket, Tesco, the biggest Tesco in England as a matter of fact, I always find myself getting so angry when walking around, the old people that walk slowly, side by side so they’re blocking any chance you have of getting round them, then they just stop and you almost find yourself raping a pensioner!

Why the fuck do they stop for no reason, they do it at the exact same time as well like they have a switch in their heads! I hadn’t been shopping in awhile but everything that happens in a supermarket happened. After I dodged the near assault on old people, I walk to the next aisle and there’s a spoilt little kid crying his eyes out because mummy wouldn’t let him have some chocolate bar and while he’s screaming she’s just ignoring him.

Fuck ignoring him give that little shit a crack round the back of the head and show him some discipline! I was about two seconds away from hitting him myself.

Next aisle there’s two women blocking the the walk way with their trolleys and decided to have a chat, are you serious? How about being courteous and getting the fuck out of the way? They could clearly see I was trying to get past but decided to ignore me, so I took matters into my own hands and bashed both of their trolleys out of the way with mine and carried on my little merry way and they gave me a stare like I’d just come in their house Christmas day and pissed on their kids, well if you weren’t just a pair of idiotic bints then I wouldn’t have had to move you the way I wanted to.

I have just remembered walking into the supermarket, in Tesco most of the building is on an upper level which means you have to walk up an escalator, there are no stairs, there are lifts yes, but they’re mainly used for the disabled. I like to walk along escalators, that’s what they’re for, to escalate your pace, the moment I stepped on it going into the supermarket, there’s a group of chavs just stood there waiting to be lifted to the top, FUCKING WALK AND STOP CAUSING A QUEUE YOU SHITSTAIN EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING!

Then when I go to check out, I’m greeted by some sour faced tart that obviously doesn’t want to be there and to be honest, I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to be there either, I’ve been in before and I was asked if I could use the self check out, if you don’t know what these are, they’re a fantastic invention where you scan your own goods, basically doing a job they’re being paid to do but for free, then pay using the machine. It’s fine if you’ve only got a few bits and you don’t really fancy waiting in a long ass queue, but I had a lot of items, so when she said, “There are self service ones free.”

I replied with, “Yeah, but unlike you, I’m not going to be earning a wage, get scanning.”

So I pay out over a hundred pound, whacked it all in the trolley then I have to stand and wait because we’re on an upper level, the car park is on the lower level, the escalators are magnetized so the trolleys don’t get loose til you reach the end, in my opinion the building is poorly planned and it makes the shopping experience that much worse. I hate the fact that my best friend works there as well so I pretty much know most of the staff, most of the staff are imbeciles. Not all supermarket staff are, but I think they must have had a “Recruit A Retard” day and picked out everyone my mate hangs out with.

The beer I picked up was a bargain too, it was two crates of 12 cans for £16 or three crates for £20, well that’s obvious isn’t it. I got two crates of Kopparberg and a crate of Fosters, Carling and Carlsberg. Boom. It’s much better to take your own beer to a festival as last year it was £25 for one crate of warm beer.

That experience took up an hour of my time, then I was damn hungry because I didn’t have anything to eat at work, went to the KFC drive-thru next door and got me some chicken then headed off home!

There’s nothing about the food I’ve bought that makes sense but it will all make sense when I’m sitting in my tent, not wanting to waste a fiver and crappy prepared food.

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

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