Now don’t get me wrong, I’m as every bit ‘Ard as I say I am, that’s not just a nickname, that’s who I am. I’m tough, I’m strong, I can lift a Ford Fiesta (my own car), I have had so many broken bones, I’ve broken my right hand on 9 separate occasions to the point where there’s barely any feeling anymore, I split open my head last week, I’ve cracked open my skull before, burns, cuts. Pretty painful existence right?
Well I would take any of those right now rather than to feel the pain I’m feeling right now. As I said last week it was the countdown to my hospital appointment for my hemorrhoids, I go in today and am told I am going to see a Mr. Gupta, fantastic I thought, at least it was a bloke, I’m only comfortable getting naked in front of two people, ones my brother the other is my girlfriend.
I’m sat there, appointments are 2:20pm, 2:45 I go in, seriously what is the point in appointments when you don’t keep to them? I’ve given you the respect of being on time, please have the same respect for me. Sat next to a woman coughing her lungs up so great, I’ve probably now got AIDs aswell as hemorrhoids!
Reminds me of my last dentist appointment where I had to wait an hour just for a check up, when they called me through I sat there and carried on reading my magazine, “Yeah I’ll be with you in a minute, just finishing this page”. Suck it bitches.
Anyway so I go into the doctors office and is it Mr. Gupta? Is it fuck, it’s a Ms. Surti, for crying out loud, I’m being seen to by an attractive Indian woman! “Don’t be embarrassed” she said, “I do this all the time.”
Bit to late for that love, I’m already embarrassed, I sit down, we have a quick word about my back passage, go into detail about my Grandfather dying of colon cancer? “How long did he have it for?” How the fuck should I know? I only saw him on Weddings and Funerals, it’s a shame the last time I saw him was for his.
“Pop yourself on the bed, drop ya jeans and ya underwear and cover yourself up with this sheet then lay on your back” She says, she then draws the curtain, so I drop em, hop up on the bed and she comes in and inspects my stomach, then she tells me to turn over and face the wall, pull up my knees and put my feet forward, so I comply, then I hear the snapping of a rubber glove…
I instantly began sweating, she tells me she’s going to inspect me with her finger then and a camera, she puts jelly on her finger, and before I can prepare myself, boom. It’s straight up there. My feet had never been so curled! She pulls her finger out then it’s time for the camera!
“Happy in your day job are you?” I said.
“It beats other jobs.” She says.
“Now… is this camera smaller or bigger than your finger?” I ask.
“A little bit bigger.” She says.
Holy fuck! I had never felt pain like this before! I can’t describe it… It’s sort of like… It felt like a giant rod had been shoved up my arse and she wasn’t careful either, she has a look around and pulls it out, then she gets ANOTHER CAMERA and rams that up there, this was bigger than the first, I was clasping on to the bed, tearing at the leather with my fingers, tears streaming down my face.
Now I’m the sort of man that doesn’t cry, the last time I cried? Probably last December when I had to tell everyone in France that I had to go home. Before that? I honestly can’t remember.
And when I say cry, I wasn’t blubbering like a five year old that couldn’t have that particular toy he’s seen, then I have some 50 year old telling me I’m being brave.
Fuck off you daft tart, I’m twenty feckin’ six!
Then she pulls the second camera out and tells me that she could band them, where they put little rubber bands at the base of the piles, it cuts off the circulation and 7 to 10 days you pass them out, there may be some bleeding, but bloods never bothered me so that’s alright, I told her to go for it and get it over with.
Three bands she had to put on, THREE! So this time I really push up my knees and then she shoved one of the many cameras she had at her disposal back up there, put the first one on, boom.
“Are you alright?” I’m asked, I let out a feint yes.
Then they put on the second one, this one was worse as she seemed to dig deeper, at this point I couldn’t be more tense. I’m asked if I’m alright again, I nod my head.
“We can stop if you want?” the nurse says.
“No, I just need it to be done!” I yell.
The third one doesn’t go on properly apparently! She has to try again, I was in absolute agony, sweating, crying, gripping, tensing, but she got the third one on and that was over. She yanked out the camera then started wiping my arse as apparently I’m bleeding, I’m not surprised! You’ve just butchered me you mad cow! How can she do this every day? I thought my jobs sucked.
I laid on my back for a few minutes to get my breath back and to de-stress for a moment, I got my self together then I sat up, took a breather, gave my arse another wiping, I had to put a pad (like women would wear when it’s that time of the month) in my boxers and got dressed. I had literally not felt anything that painful in all my life, it’s only now I’m thinking, “Maybe the piles weren’t so bad after all?”
The doctor said she’ll get me another appointment booked for six weeks for a check up, if I’m having repeated problems she’ll see what else she can do but if I’m better just cancel the appointment, I’m telling you now, that appointments getting canceled regardless.
The drive home I’m stuck behind every slow car in the world, pointless traffic yet again, I just wanted to get home. So now I’m sat here, with a pad up my arse typing this out, I’ve never been so abused in all of my life and I could quite literally die.
I think I may just crawl up in the fetal position now and watch television until it’s time for work tomorrow…
Bitch never even gave me a sticker or a lollipop despite the fact that I was a brave boy.