Change Of Habits

So a couple of days ago after stating the reasons why I was against anymore kinds of smoking bans I stated that I was quitting smoking, a bit of a twist I know, why defend something then remove yourself from taking part of said subject, the reasons are simple.

I started smoking when I was 16, still in college and smoked continiously for 8 and a half years, right up until April last year when I first decided to stop, I said as a joke on Facebook that I may quit and the responses I got from all of my family and friends were this: “Don’t be stupid, you’d never be able to quit.” and “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

So I set out to prove them wrong, I told everyone that I was quitting, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to prove everyone wrong, probably the only person that gave me the motivation to quit was a girl I used to be in love with, someone I had been in love with for a while, she had been there for me from day one and after a few weeks we started seeing one another. She gave me a distraction from the cravings I was getting.

It particularly strained one me at work as I worked in a hotel, I was doing quite a few night shifts, during the night shift at Ibis Hotel I could go for a cigarette when I wanted, I had a routine, do the paper work, go for a cigarette, then when I quit I did the paperwork then had nothing to do, a big part of my cravings had to do with bordem, oh I’m bored, I’ll go for a fag. But I resisted!

Your own mind turns on you, it tries to negotiate with you saying it’s alright to go for a cigarette, “Just one would be alright, take the edge off, go on, go for a cig. You’ll be fine.”

You have to tell your own mind to get lost, it’s hard. It’s called will power, something I didn’t know I had anything of. But after awhile, once the nicotine left my system, things did get easier, social situations were hard as all of my friends smoke, every now and then I’d have a couple on a night out but because the nicotine wasn’t set in my system, because I didn’t have a routine anymore, I’d be fine the day after.

I was happy with this, but over the weeks the girl I loved started telling me how she was in love with someone else, we weren’t really an official item, I was just someone she was using because I made her feel loved, the other guy made her feel used, at the time I was fine with this, then she’d text me of how she’s with him now, I started to become jealous, quitting smoking already made me depressed, I had never tasted depression before quitting smoking and what she was doing to me wasn’t helping, one minute she’s with him, someone that didn’t even love her, someone that was just using her for sex and the next minute she was with me, who was trying to help her get through University to earn her teaching degree, someone that would have done anything for her. We soon had arguments, many arguments, arguments that often ended in her calling me a horrible human being.

Then shortly after she’d apologize and I always accepted, she told me how you can’t help who you’re in love with, this was true, I wish I didn’t love her but I did and once you’re in that position you’re either going to love her forever or your love will turn into bitter hatred. This man she was seeing was an alcoholic, he has a drinking problem, never met him in person because if I did I’d have torn his throat out with my bare hands.

The last time she called me a terrible person and said she never wanted to see me again and that was the last time we spoke for awhile, I had lost smoking, then I lost her, so I turned back to cigarettes. I quit smoking for her, I changed for her and she ripped my heart out of my chest.

I was in such a state I drove to the closest shop, bought a pack of ten cigarettes, got home, my parents were away, I stood in my back garden, pulled one out, lit it up and bathed in self hatred as I pumped nicotine back into my body. That was the downward spiral that sent me back into the “Smokers” category. Four months I had quit totally, cold turkey and because of her I didn’t know what to do but go back to them.

Fast forward over a year later, she eventually got a 2:1 in her degree, largly in part because of me, she’s now a teacher and living with this guy who took her away from me. When I had told my current girlfriend (we were just friends back then as we all worked with each other) what had happened, she took an instant hatred to her. Whenever I see her face now, I can’t stand to be around her.

That was the reason I quit last time, this time it’s a lot more superficial, I’m quitting because it’s just too expensive, it was fine when I had a 1000 cigarettes that my parents brought home for me but now they’re gone do I really want to go back to going to the shop every other day for a new pack? Especially at the price they are now? No not really, I need to save money, I need to give up luxories, only now am I in a happy enough place to attempt such a thing again.

Am I going cold turkey? Yes, but not straight away, I need to break the habits I am in, at the moment I have a cigarette on the drive to work, then another before I start work, then I have three on my hour lunch break, then one on my way home, then two or three before bed, around 9-10 cigarettes a day, don’t even get me started on weekends when I am out! Last time I quit I just stopped and that made me depressed, I need to cut down, gradually then stop altogether, because if I can get to about having 2 or 3 a day, then I don’t really need to smoke at all.

Unlike last time I’m not telling anyone I’m stopping, a couple of people know, but I told all my family and friends and the look of disappointment I got when I started again wasn’t good, so if I try to stop and fail, they will be non the wiser. I shall stop taking cigarettes to work with me, that will be a big factor in stopping. In the last 24 hours I have had one cigarette, that’s mainly because I’ve been hammering Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, even in that short amount of time my mind began turning on me, but the more I manage to cut down the easier it will be to stop.

Most people say “I wish I had never started smoking.” but I love smoking, it’s one of my favourite things, the occasional bad chest, the smell, doesn’t bother me, what does bother me is my ailing bank account. Then once I have stopped if I step it up at the gym I can also avoid gaining weight. (I stepped it up at the gym last year and I actually lost weight)

So to those that have followed me from the beginning, when this blog was about me being unemployed, broke and bitter, I hope you’ll join in on this new journey of me being a non smoker, trying to get out of debt and… well, still bitter!

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

23 thoughts on “Change Of Habits”

  1. Good Luck… Because so many of my Relatives Smoked, Drank or did some form of Drugs growing up, I decided to do none of it… Fearing that Addictive Behavior ran in the Family.

    And so I’ve never tried Cigarettes… Went for one once at a Party where I walked in on a Girl that I was there seeing Kissing another guy… I was drunk, and so went to light one, and my Brother Smacked it out of my hand, lol

    As far as Drinking, have an occasional Glass of Wine, or a Beer… I actually love Tequila, but try not to drink hard Liquor.

    I did find that I was perhaps addicted to Cheese, ha… But I think I have that under control, and it was never that bad… I just love it, it’s my Favorite Food.

    I think it’s good that you didn’t tell your Family, I have a very Large Family, but only associate with a hand full of them… Not that I don’t love them all, but I click with who I click with.

    It’s made for a lot of hurt feelings over the years, Invites to Family Gatherings that I didn’t go to, but being Honest is a big thing with me, and so, oh well.

    You’ve got a pretty good 2nd or 3rd Family here on WordPress, so I’d say you’ve come to the right place to divulge it.

    Once Again, Good Luck with that

    DarkJade-

    1. I am definitely a socialable drinker, no harm in that, smoking is the only drug I am addicted to now, and by now I only mean I was once addicted to pain killers too, but I overcame that.

      I’d tell my family and friends if it meant I’d get support from them but last time I didn’t, they didn’t support me through any of it but they were quick to judge, so if I manage it this time around they don’t deserve to know.

  2. I have given up twice before, once for my son when I was pregnant and once for myself. Both times I made my way back to the comfort of my addiction, and both times my excuse was stress. I know people who quit twenty years ago and still want to smoke, and I think it will always be that way for me. I’m back to bumming cigarettes from my friends this time, and although I have resisted buying a packet, the temptation grows. Good luck on your journey.

    1. Thank you 🙂 it’s a lot harder than some people would think and I don’t care what people think, it does help with stress, I hate those people that quit and think they’re better than others, I know if I manage I won’t become one of those people

  3. Glad you are rid of that girl. I believe that it says a lot about people who love losers, as she did. Says something about her. :/ Fiona seems like lovely girl 🙂
    Good luck – you can do this.
    Cheers!

  4. Well here’s Bitter wishing you Good luck. Screw the people who tell you that you can’t do this. By the way, you’re not nearly as Bitter as I am. I think that’s a good thing. As long you keep trying, you will succeed Pete. It took quite some time to get around to your blog – I’m swamped with responsibilities right now, but I’ll be back.

    1. Hah trust me, I’m not nearly as bitter as I was when I started this blog, earlier this year I was in a foul mood 100% of the time, you’d have been proud! You’re welcome back anytime, I’m always here lol

      1. Pete, I did start another blog and I was wondering if you like to be an Author/Editor/Contributor.

        purerants.wordpress.com <<< Check it out.

        No, I won't be the one posting most of the stuff on here. I have friends of mine who are though and I just wanted to know whether you might be interested.

    1. Oh hey there dribblingpen- I’m going to call you DP. I hope that’s okay with you. Well you’re welcome to drop by my personal blog as well.

      If you’re interested in posting any rant of yours on the Pure Rants blog, please do send me an email. We would love to include you.

      1. Hah Cheers Harry! And thanks Bitter, I’ll definitely check it out, most likely in a few hours when I’m sat at work in front of a screen bored out of my mind!

  5. Such a pessimistic family. They don’t say “Go Pete! Go! You can quit!” but rather “You can’t do it tard.”

    I think we do a lot of things out of love. I remember reading somewhere that everything we do is to get back at the first person to break our hearts. I know Bill Hicks (famous American comedian, you probably know him because only the Brits ever appreciated him in his lifetime) admitted that his drive was to get back at a lost love.

    I don’t think it matters why you quit, just that you do. Sure, you won’t look as cool hanging out on the corner and chicks won’t dig ya as much, but you’ll live longer. A longer, lamer, life without chicks.

    1. That’s just how my family is! Maybe they say it to use reverse psychology but most of the time I think “Yeah maybe you’re right”, I’m doing well so far though!

      I alright have a woman so for the moment my days of picking up women are over, although perving on them on nights out without a cigarette in hand is a little bit more creepy

  6. I know how tough it is. I smoke but not much, usually one every few days or if I go out I can go through 10 in a night.
    I love it, it’s a pleasure and a luxury. If it weren’t bad I would have a cigarette in my hand on a constant basis.
    To those like your friends and family who are being moralistic, tell them to leave off. They have no business in what you do.

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