So a couple of days ago after stating the reasons why I was against anymore kinds of smoking bans I stated that I was quitting smoking, a bit of a twist I know, why defend something then remove yourself from taking part of said subject, the reasons are simple.
I started smoking when I was 16, still in college and smoked continiously for 8 and a half years, right up until April last year when I first decided to stop, I said as a joke on Facebook that I may quit and the responses I got from all of my family and friends were this: “Don’t be stupid, you’d never be able to quit.” and “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
So I set out to prove them wrong, I told everyone that I was quitting, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to prove everyone wrong, probably the only person that gave me the motivation to quit was a girl I used to be in love with, someone I had been in love with for a while, she had been there for me from day one and after a few weeks we started seeing one another. She gave me a distraction from the cravings I was getting.
It particularly strained one me at work as I worked in a hotel, I was doing quite a few night shifts, during the night shift at Ibis Hotel I could go for a cigarette when I wanted, I had a routine, do the paper work, go for a cigarette, then when I quit I did the paperwork then had nothing to do, a big part of my cravings had to do with bordem, oh I’m bored, I’ll go for a fag. But I resisted!
Your own mind turns on you, it tries to negotiate with you saying it’s alright to go for a cigarette, “Just one would be alright, take the edge off, go on, go for a cig. You’ll be fine.”
You have to tell your own mind to get lost, it’s hard. It’s called will power, something I didn’t know I had anything of. But after awhile, once the nicotine left my system, things did get easier, social situations were hard as all of my friends smoke, every now and then I’d have a couple on a night out but because the nicotine wasn’t set in my system, because I didn’t have a routine anymore, I’d be fine the day after.
I was happy with this, but over the weeks the girl I loved started telling me how she was in love with someone else, we weren’t really an official item, I was just someone she was using because I made her feel loved, the other guy made her feel used, at the time I was fine with this, then she’d text me of how she’s with him now, I started to become jealous, quitting smoking already made me depressed, I had never tasted depression before quitting smoking and what she was doing to me wasn’t helping, one minute she’s with him, someone that didn’t even love her, someone that was just using her for sex and the next minute she was with me, who was trying to help her get through University to earn her teaching degree, someone that would have done anything for her. We soon had arguments, many arguments, arguments that often ended in her calling me a horrible human being.
Then shortly after she’d apologize and I always accepted, she told me how you can’t help who you’re in love with, this was true, I wish I didn’t love her but I did and once you’re in that position you’re either going to love her forever or your love will turn into bitter hatred. This man she was seeing was an alcoholic, he has a drinking problem, never met him in person because if I did I’d have torn his throat out with my bare hands.
The last time she called me a terrible person and said she never wanted to see me again and that was the last time we spoke for awhile, I had lost smoking, then I lost her, so I turned back to cigarettes. I quit smoking for her, I changed for her and she ripped my heart out of my chest.
I was in such a state I drove to the closest shop, bought a pack of ten cigarettes, got home, my parents were away, I stood in my back garden, pulled one out, lit it up and bathed in self hatred as I pumped nicotine back into my body. That was the downward spiral that sent me back into the “Smokers” category. Four months I had quit totally, cold turkey and because of her I didn’t know what to do but go back to them.
Fast forward over a year later, she eventually got a 2:1 in her degree, largly in part because of me, she’s now a teacher and living with this guy who took her away from me. When I had told my current girlfriend (we were just friends back then as we all worked with each other) what had happened, she took an instant hatred to her. Whenever I see her face now, I can’t stand to be around her.
That was the reason I quit last time, this time it’s a lot more superficial, I’m quitting because it’s just too expensive, it was fine when I had a 1000 cigarettes that my parents brought home for me but now they’re gone do I really want to go back to going to the shop every other day for a new pack? Especially at the price they are now? No not really, I need to save money, I need to give up luxories, only now am I in a happy enough place to attempt such a thing again.
Am I going cold turkey? Yes, but not straight away, I need to break the habits I am in, at the moment I have a cigarette on the drive to work, then another before I start work, then I have three on my hour lunch break, then one on my way home, then two or three before bed, around 9-10 cigarettes a day, don’t even get me started on weekends when I am out! Last time I quit I just stopped and that made me depressed, I need to cut down, gradually then stop altogether, because if I can get to about having 2 or 3 a day, then I don’t really need to smoke at all.
Unlike last time I’m not telling anyone I’m stopping, a couple of people know, but I told all my family and friends and the look of disappointment I got when I started again wasn’t good, so if I try to stop and fail, they will be non the wiser. I shall stop taking cigarettes to work with me, that will be a big factor in stopping. In the last 24 hours I have had one cigarette, that’s mainly because I’ve been hammering Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, even in that short amount of time my mind began turning on me, but the more I manage to cut down the easier it will be to stop.
Most people say “I wish I had never started smoking.” but I love smoking, it’s one of my favourite things, the occasional bad chest, the smell, doesn’t bother me, what does bother me is my ailing bank account. Then once I have stopped if I step it up at the gym I can also avoid gaining weight. (I stepped it up at the gym last year and I actually lost weight)
So to those that have followed me from the beginning, when this blog was about me being unemployed, broke and bitter, I hope you’ll join in on this new journey of me being a non smoker, trying to get out of debt and… well, still bitter!