Tis The Season To Get Hammered

Well it’s Christmas Eve at last everyone! Hard to think it’s been a whole year since I was kicking my roommates ass in France! This Christmas is already much better than it was last year!

Much much drinking to be done this weekend, I’m already feeling the effects after last night! House party at my mate Phil’s new place in Sheffield then we headed into the centre to get even more intoxicated, busted out some moves on the dance floor in Babylon and there’s always someone out for a fight it seems.

I was on the dance floor with this girl and another mate, headed back over to Phil and he’s having an argument with some lanky streak of piss. I interject and say to Phil, “What’s up with her?” while pointing to the bloke he’s arguing with. I then get involved because I always have everyone’s back and ask him what the deal is.

He says Phil’s been stood there all night giving him the daggers (staring at him). I told him he’s been over on the dance floor with me most of the night to which he replies, “No he fucking hasn’t. He’s been stood here staring at me.” So I said “Are you calling me a liar? My mate’s not even a violent man!”

“Neither am I.” He says.

“Yeah? Well I fucking am so why don’t you fuck off.” I replied. Adrenaline coursing through my body.

Then a man who can only resemble the size of WWF wrestler Yokozuna approached and asked me if I had a problem with the guy I’m yelling at, I said no he’s got a problem with my mate and I want to know why.

“He’s my cousin.” He says.

“I don’t want a history of your family tree, cousin or not just keep him away, no sense is us going at it over that fool.” I replied.

Luckily he saw sense and dragged his cousin away and shook my hand. I don’t even think a guillotine choke hold would have taken that fat bastard down! I’d have tried but I’m glad I dodged that bullet, the last thing I need before Christmas is a hospital trip hah!

Carried on partying for another hour then we headed to the casino for some reason.

“Just going to spend £30.” Phil says.

I sighed and went with it, two hours later he’s £260 down. I didn’t spend anything because I really can’t afford to lose anymore. As soon as we walked in the casino Phil had a Santa hat on, some Denzel Washington looking mofo stormed up to us..

“Take the fucking hat off, take the hat off now!” He yells.

“Alright mate, calm down, it’s only a santa hat it’s Christmas you know.” Phil says.

“I don’t give a shit about Christmas, I know more about Christmas than you’ll ever know!” The bouncer carried on yelling.

I don’t even know what that meant. Anyway he took the hat off and put it in his pocket then I turned to the bouncer and said, “Whose lit the wick on your tampon?” He didn’t appreciate that.

“Do you want chucking out yeah?!” He asked me impolitely.

“Fuck off.” I said, “You came over here screaming and swearing at us because he had a santa hat on at Christmas, acting like I’ve walked in your house and pissed on your kids or something, we’re not here to cause trouble just to lose some money.”

Then another guy came in wearing a Santa hat, the bouncer clocked him and stormed over to him obviously to give him a lecture too. Don’t understand why people need to be such pricks to others, it’s bouncers like that that cause more trouble than stop.

Got back at 5am, had four hours sleep because I parked my car is a dodgy part of Sheffield so I dreamt that I went back to where my car was parked and it’d been stolen, I woke up in a cold sweat and just watched Jurassic Park 3 on my iPod until everyone else woke up. Luckily my car was intact!

Soon I’ll be doing it all over again tonight at a house party in Chesterfield and then tomorrow I’ll be at my brothers getting drunk there. I’ll need about three days sleep after all of this.

And we’re not even close to New Years yet!

I hope you all have an awesome Christmas tonight/tomorrow and you don’t do yourself too much damage!


Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

9 thoughts on “Tis The Season To Get Hammered”

  1. The story about the bouncer made me laugh so hard! I KNOW MORE ABOUT CHRISTMAS THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW! He probably got accidentally trapped in a Christmas stocking for about three years or something.

    Christmas alcoholling is always fun. I went out with my new work colleagues for a drink after work yesterday and ended up being so horribly wasted to the point that I was more wasted than anyone else put together. At least I didn’t throw up on them. I can’t throw up on people my first week. Second week. sure, but first?!

    And Merry Christmas Pete!

    1. Merry Christmas! 😀

      Bah! First day I threw up on someone haha! That was in France though so it’s a little different.

      I hope the job is going well! It must be nice to do normal hours for a change?

  2. It sounds like your going to have a very drunk xmas, bad head and gut for 3/4 days maybe a visit to hospital, so it looks like you will enjoy the holiday 🙂

    Stay out of trouble, after all, you need your fingers to type.

    1. Well I’ve stopped it with the punching bags that measure your strength now, broke my hand on one New Years Eve a few years ago, ended up spending New Years Day in hospital with a tennis ball hand!

      Already have the bad gut =/ but I’ll do my best to behave haha

  3. lol, do you keep a Cape in your Closet? You are like the Common Man’s Super Hero…

    Reminds me of my Brother, he’s actually been beaten up because of his “Squinty Eyeing” People… Used to get him into a lot of people… If he thought someone was an Ass, he’s just sit there staren at em, lol

    Next thing you know, he’d have 6 guys surrounding him taking turns hitting him… He also kinda sorta stopped a mugging one time, and almost got stabbed… His boss, who ironically at one time was my boss, and I couldn’t stand… Basically saved his ass by showing up… As he was a big bloke.

    Since my Brother’s had kids, he’s been a bit less squinty eyed towards people, but he still finds his way into trouble, lol

    The whole Santa Hat thing is a joke… And I’m with you about people treating other people that way at a “drop of a hat” as it were, lol

    I actually generally wear a Santa Hat on Christmas Eve, and I do believe I’ve worn one out from time to time around the season, so that just sucks, lol

    Anyway, Have a Merry Christmas Pete, and I’d say have a Safe One, but it’s already too late for that… I will say, try your best not to get hurled through any Bar Windows, lol

    But Probably no point to telling you that either, lol


    1. Haha it’s funny though because my mate wasn’t even squinting at anyone! I try not to wear any silly hats, though as seen by the picture I failed in that task yesterday.

      Merry Christmas to you too, I’m out in Chesterfield tonight, people always offer me out for a fight everytime I go out round there, I just laugh them off though 🙂

      1. lol, I didn’t really think of that as a Hat… I figured it’s either supposed to be a Catchers Mit? lol Or some kinda Girl Bear… Er… Female… Er, oh never mind, lol


  4. I was thinking the whole time “if this is how you spend Christmas, I can’t imagine what New Years is like” and then you did it yourself.

    I don’t know what it is with bouncers and hats. I had one tell me to remove mince once. I put it back on right after. I’m not about to go walking around holding a hat in my hand. I’ll look like a beggar who wandered in.

    Have a Merry Christmas! You’re only a few hours off if my math is correct.

  5. Merry Christmas! I love the story about the guy who said your friend was giving him daggers all night. I’ve seen people like that. They seem to be the insecure, skittish type when they’re not shit faced as well but the alcohol really brings out the crazy. Happy New Year and enjoy getting sloshed beyond all reason. Tis the season to lose all reason.

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