I’ve Decided To Become A Millionaire

I was sat on the toilet earlier (destroying the porcelain) and I was thinking; because naturally that’s where all men do their thinking. I was thinking about this new job of mine and my obvious track record of jobs.

Yeah I’ll be on just over 17k a year which apart from outbound sales is the highest paid job I’ve ever had but lets face it; it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m unemployed again. This job isn’t permanent, its temporary with a 10 month contract, sure they may take me on permanent after those 10 months but my problem is I get bored very easily and I have no doubt I’ll self sabotage myself. I’ll probably not even make it to the end of those ten months, I have an outspoken attitude that cannot be tamed.

I’m hoping it works out because for once I’ll be working for a professional company that don’t treat their employee’s like crap and that’s if I pass the relevant security checks they’re currently taking out on me. But customer service isn’t what I want to do for a living; when I was younger I always wanted to be a web site designer but I’ve gone off of that idea since.

Though the graphic design side of things still interests me, I’d like to create digital art without having to use Paint; since starting blogging 11 months ago I’ve realised what I want to do with my life and that’s become a professional paid writer/author. I completed a 50,000 word novel challenge recently which is something I thought I’d never be able to accomplish. Finishing the competition (and in good time too) means more to me than you’ll ever understand.

Then I also began thinking, I’m 27 in a month and a half; all of my friends don’t bounce from job to job like I do, they already have it figured out, they’ve got their women and they’re settled, I’m alone, unemployed (well not anymore maybe) and I still live with my parents because I can’t afford to move out. The retiring age in the UK is 65 which means I’ve still got another 38 years of this shit to put up with (if I even live that long). What if I never find a job I’ll stick at? What if I’m constantly finding work while just keeping my head above water until I reach such an age?

I sure as hell don’t want to be doing customer service when I’m in my 50s, taking shit off of people half my age about some personal problem they’re having. You think you have it bad? I’m middle aged and listening to a prick like you.

Past Peter well screwed me over by being such a fuckwit in school.

So I’ve decided the only way I’ll be able to go on is to become a millionaire. Sure you look at “How to become a millionaire” on Google and you’re told nothing; obviously. If it was easy then everyone would be a millionaire.

I think there’s five ways I can achieve this hopefully by the time I’m 40.

1. Become A Best Selling Author

If This Stupid Bat Can Make A Lot Of Money Off Of Wizards, Surely I Can Write Something Better?

Apparently I have talent when it comes to writing, that’s what people have told me anyway. I don’t know if you’re all being too kind but if you truly think I’m good at writing then I’m sure others will right? I was always told in school I have an excellent imagination, to forget about my problems I live another world inside my mind, it helps me sleep. It also helped me write the novel I’d written for NaNoWriMo. I’d love to go to college and do some courses in creative writing. It can only help right? The plan is to write an awesome kick ass novel, get it published, everyone will be flocking to read it then a movie studio will buy the film rights and boom. Millionaire. Then I can spend my time doing what I love doing most without money worries; writing.

2. Become A Contract Killer

I’d Begin Practising On These Two Abominations Of Humanity.

Sure I got this idea by just watching Gross Pointe Blank (Another Cusack movie) but why not? I’ve shot weapons before and hit targets; I’ve also played laser quest and been Rambo in paintball. Contract killing would be way easier, you just get a sniper rifle; camp out near their house and as soon as they come into view, blam. Dead. It can be quite lucrative from what I understand, you could be earning 6 figures in no one and before you know it, you’re a millionaire. “What about the killing aspect” you may be thinking, I wouldn’t mind. I live in an alternate world when I shut my eyes, so it’s not even like the faces of the dead would bother me.

3. Become A Lottery Winner

I Wouldn’t Be Standing Next To Her If I’d Just Won All That Money, I Can Tell You That.

I used to work with this girl a few years ago before she went and got herself pregnant by some drug dealer. Her cousin won the lottery and £8.4 million was added to her bank account. She’s real local too, she lives about 10 minutes away from me; has her own stand on Chesterfield Football Clubs ground. I even went out around town with her once and she didn’t pay for anyone’s drink but her own. You may be thinking she’s a tight bitch but she does right; why should she? Winning the lottery can be quite difficult though, my mothers been playing it since it was created in England and we’re still no richer. I’d of course use the numbers from Lost; so what if the numbers are cursed and people around me will die, I’ll be alright!

4. Become A Guy Who Invests

She Could Use A Timeout… To Get Those Boobs Reinflated. No Wonder He’s Blocking His Own View.

Playing the stock market, investing your money in start up companies, there’s not much point in investing in already huge companies because they can only go downhill from there surely. What you want to do is find a promising upstart company, invest some cash and when they make it big or get bought out by a bigger company you’re well in it. A friend of mine plays the stock market however he does just that; plays. He’s only made a couple of hundred from doing it; if I do it right I could eventually become a high roller.

5. Become A Reality Show Contestant

I’d Be The Asshole, The Bad Guy, The Good Guy, The Ladies Man, Mr. Sensitive, The Psychopath, The Token Gay Contestant and The Funny Man All Rolled Into One. Just Put Me On TV For An Hour A Day. Pete = Ratings.

This is how most people make a lot of money these days, it’s never been easier to get on television, with shows like Big Brother even after reality contestants leave the show you still see them pop up in other places. Like a cancer, spreading throughout the television industry. Some have become actors, some have become singers, writers or just generally that much of a fuck up that the newspapers can’t help report on you. I think the best bet would be to go on Big Brother, have sex with someone inside; live on television (maybe even teach men a few things in the process) then sell my story to the newspapers/magazines. I mean fuck, if Jade Goody can become famous for being an idiotic racist; surely I have a good chance right?

Another thought I had was to become a musician but unfortunately I don’t have the vocal chords of Chris Cornell to be amazing to listen to and I certainly don’t have the musical talent.

I wished my parents made me take piano lessons when I was younger, I’d be ace at it by now.

Of course if I don’t manage to achieve this goal by the time I’m 40 and I’m still looking for a job I want to do, I can always hang myself.


Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

26 thoughts on “I’ve Decided To Become A Millionaire”

  1. Pete, you have Millionaire written all over you. If anyone should make this their goal it’s you! I think you can write a best selling series. If JK Rowling can do it, YOU can!
    Also, I can see you as a brilliant actor. You’ve got this great voice. Come to America and they’ll put you to work Right Away. I’m not kidding. DO IT!

    1. The American’s sure do love an English accent, I mean how else would Jason Statham get work?

      That could be number 6 actually, I mean who actually goes to acting school these days anyway?!

  2. Don’t worry about other people. They may seem like they’ve got everything settled but imagine having to do the same thing with the same person for the next 38 years. Unless you’re doing something creative I can’t imagine anyone being happy.

    I’ve had the same job 7 years now yet I feel much the same as you. Everyone else seems content with their lives, but I feel like I haven’t even begun to start doing what I want with mine. Stick with what you want. The world is lonely but there are other people out there who feel much the same as you.

    1. Thank you 🙂 I don’t know if my friends are really happy or not, their jobs aren’t really that spectacular but they seem to enjoy what they do which is what I want. I’ll keep writing and going for the realistic dream of being a professional paid writer and eventually it will be me laughing at everyone else while I’m chilling with my bitchez.

  3. Somewhere in this post is the secret to success. You forgot another option though, you would be well suited for. Stand up comedian.

  4. Brilliant! Just don’t forget us little people 😀 I suppose if you really put your mind to it there’s nothing you can’t get done. Personally, I believe that no one is ever fully content no matter how dandy their lives seem to be to everyone else. You’ll find something you’ll enjoy doing eventually so keep at it. Yeah, and there are a lot of asses out there that’ll love to see you fall, you definitely know that, though I don’t think you’d hesitate to tell ’em to piss off. DON’T kill you self Pete, how else am I going to get great Gangsta insights? Lol. All the best.

    1. Haha I definitely felt that way today when I was told my contract has been withdrawn due to the company that was taking me on losing that part of business they’d got. A month of wasting my time for nothing and all they said was “sorry for the inconvenience” yeah whatever, go and get hit by a fucking bus.

  5. Well, good luck with all of that. I’ve decided that too much money complicates life. I like simplicity. I also like security. So I need to figure out what “enough money” is and how to get that much.

    Of course, the barter system might work for me–I must have something of value people want… 😉

  6. Good luck with that . . . I’ve been trying for many years now, and I can share what I learned. Start out as a multimillionaire, and you’ll even odds of being a millionaire by the time you hit 40.

    1. Well if you’ve been trying for so long, it’s just a matter of time! And that’s good advice, if I can get around 30 million, I can blow 29 mil on pointless things, ensuring that I’m a millionaire by the time I’m 40, I’m not greedy after all.

  7. Pete this is a great piece you have written. My quest for the millionaire insights have brought me here. You are a bundle of talents you just might not know yet. All you need is more inspiration , some action and consistency and GBAM! you are at your land of dreams! Please drop by at my blog at http://www.emmanuelayeni.com if you please. I hope to see you in the multi-millioniare or billionaire club soon by God’s grace- With God all things are possible ..Ciao!

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