Hair Removal

I don’t know what you ladies in the US use to remove hair from your sensual bodies, but over here we have something called Veet. Recently they came out with Veet for Men hair removal gel and let’s face it; there’s only one place a man will attempt at using this gel.

A friend of mine over the weekend showed me the online reviews for Veet on Amazon.co.uk and the reviews themselves were some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time.

I thought I’d share some of those reviews with you and let you make the decision of whether it’s worth buying some and slapping it on your genitalia.

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

 

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

 

Oh The Shame…

 

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

 

Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

 

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

 

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

 

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

 

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman’s log cabin, so for the past few years I’ve used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I’m sure you’ve realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product – 3 Stars.

 

Smooth Balls

 

After having a bush like don kings head for the last 25 Years i decided i now wanted my balls to be the spitting image of Harry Hill. I went down to the local Home Bargains where my friend Andrew Evz was on hand to give advice. He pointed me in the direction of Veet as he had used it to smooth out his Jack Rusells passage in the past.I thought the product was originally named Vloot until i spoke to him. I took the product home with me and went headed straight for the bathroom to give Don some medicine. Whilst there i dropped my Captain America pants and lashed the cream all over it whilst miming the theme tune to Eastender’s. Within minutes i felt as though some one had put a blow torch on my pipe and was rolling around screaming like a girl.Eventually this stopped and once i had washed off the Veet Don King was now Harry Hill. I could be happier. Excellent Product

 

If you enjoyed these and want to read more, click on the link, there are hundreds of them. It’s safe to say that this product will be kept away from my manhood.

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

29 thoughts on “Hair Removal”

  1. I had a near miss years ago with ” the burning. ”

    Washing my hair i reached out and crabed the wifes hair remover instead of the hair shampoo, it burnt the shit of my skull after 10 seconds, but i managed to get it of quickly and did no damage 😆

            1. Uh . . . I’m given to understand that, in the vernacular of people who use slang, using the term “head” in this context is not sufficient clarification.

              It could be, in fact, the nail was hit in . . . er . . . the statement is accurate under both interpretations, and saying “your thoughts are right” not only does not remove the ambiguity, but also introduces other ramifications to what one is actually talking about.

              . . . I am confused, and left scratching my head.

              1. Your misunderstanding of my misuse of the queens English leads me to ponder about the resourcefulnees of your mind lead to your confusion.

                My comment was both prosaic and scrupulous.

                Prehaps a session with Psycho Analysis and Concept Analysis could hep you.

                BTW, put your head back in your trousers.

  2. I suppose that’s why they put warning labels on products like rat poison that say, “Do not sprinkle on your breakfast cereal.” Some people will try anything once. Maybe even twice, if they survived it once… 🙂

    1. Yeah but come on, hair removal cream, surely they should be able to create one that can get rid of the hair down there! It’s 2012, we shouldn’t be using razors in this day and age. I could tell you things I’ve done with a pair of scissors that’ll make your eyes water.

      1. Real men use tweezers.

        But yes, they are high-tech, 2012, spring-loaded, with double-set trigger tweezers.

        . . . but be careful not to latch on to the wrong thing . . .

  3. Ahahahahahahaahahha! This may be the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!! I may have to reblog this. Can you imagine my readers! Hah!
    LOVE THIS, PETE!!!!

    1. Haha there’s loads of em, they keep me entertained when I’m bored at work, you should definitely reblog it, they need to know not to make the same mistake!

  4. I used it once years and years ago (although not on my cock and balls)… NEVER AGAIN. It burned both of my legs and they were all raw and disgusting for weeks. Now I just use razors, or let my hair grow to the point where I am like a wookie/mammoth love child.

    1. No doubt you are a real looker when you’re in full Mammoth mode. I guess the good thing is you don’t have to wear any trousers during the winter 😀

  5. I love that they still gave the product a good amount of stars. At least it works? I mean, they basically burnt the hair off of their balls by smothering an acidic lotion on them. Normal.

    1. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about buying some. I mean these are just normal men, I’m ‘Ard. How much could it possibly hurt?

  6. I laughed so hard, my ribs hurt. And, I ordered a case of this to be delivered to NameRedacted. He may not read the directions first, and use it ‘down there’. One can hope.

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