Rambo? Pfft. Move Out Of ‘Ard’s Way

pb2Just thought I’d tell you all about my day on the battle field as today I went paintballing for my friend Amy’s birthday. We were hoping that we’d get a massive group from work to go but it just turned out that seven of us were going in total which was a bit of a shame and further more, one of the seven dropped out this morning as his girlfriend is in hospital; understandable as his head wouldn’t have been in the game anyway.

The last time I went paintballing was when I was 16 and I went with my mum and a load of her work mates. I remember her friend brought her 13 year old son with her and he ended up eliminating me twice from two games then kept bragging about it like 13 year olds do, so the next game I snuck up behind him and popped one into the back of his head at point blank range.

He went down instantly and I stood over him and carried on shooting; then stopped to make sure he was alive when he stopped moving. Turned out I’d just knocked him out. Phew.

So 11 years later I wondered how I’d fare, to say I have a chest infection at the moment I did pretty damn well. A lot of heavy breathing as it was hard to breath and hey, I’m not the fittest of folk. We were informed that we weren’t the only group there, there was a good 20 people of us in total so it was two teams of 10(ish) for most of the day and we played a variety of games, most included captured the flag or get your item to the other teams base to win.

pb1I was on the blue team along with two of the

One of the games was like a wild west set up, both teams started at either end and in the middle was a bunch of “gold bricks” that we had to grab; the team with the most bricks wins, our team decided to charge forward and from where we were it was almost impossible for the red team to get anywhere near them. My mate from work handed me his gun and he made a run to get a brick; I laid down the cover fire with both guns. He did this three times before he was eliminated, then I ran out of ammo and I went to make a run for it but I was shot in the stomach, which didn’t explode, but then I was shot in the arse which did and I was out.people I went with, the other three were on the red team. Luckily a lot of other big dudes were on my team and we ended up battering the red team in the first game. Then they’d pulled one back; then we won the next two making it 3-1. I was more like a sharpshooter than a glory hound as I didn’t want to get eliminated quickly.

Needless to say we won 11 bricks to 2.

Another game I’d bought some smoke grenades, I threw one which bounced off a tree and ended up blinding our own team. I threw another a bit further forward which managed to save us from getting spotted so it evened out in the end.

By the time the fourth game was over a lot more people arrived for the afternoon session so there was a good 20 person a side, we were allowed to play as long as we wanted. The fifth game went to the reds as we ended up getting a load of useless women on our team when the new lot arrived that was scared every time they fired their gun. I was so angry at one of the girls that was just cowering behind some sandbags that I shot her and eliminated her from the game.

“She’s on our team!” Someone yelled.

“Is she fuck.” I yelled back.

Shot Of My Big Arse :D
Shot Of My Big Arse 😀

The sixth (and our last) game was two men had to carry a steel box from our side to the opponents, somehow me and my mate Andy ended up volunteering for this and we made a run for it. We ran inside this “chapel” and were instantly pinned down by enemy fire. Wherever we looked there were paintballs flying past us. Andy eventually got eliminated, I turned to two of the other blue team members and asked one of them to help me carry the steel box; they ran off leaving me on my own. I managed to take out one guy easily by covering him in paint, then I roared at him which scared some girl that was on my team that had just wandered in.

So I shot her too.

Then I shot someone else hiding behind a bunch of sandbags; out of the side window I could see three red team members hiding behind a wall though from my view they were out in the open; I took two of them out then went after the third by walking towards him; he was firing at me and every shot was hitting me in the stomach but because I had a thick jumper on they still hurt but it was cushioned enough so the paintballs weren’t bursting. Imagine the Superman Returns scene (without the bullet to the eye obvs).

I had one ball left, shot him, eliminated him and then declared myself out as I had no more ammo. I was impressed at myself for managing to take out five people (and one of my own team). We ended up winning the game after two blue team members grabbed the box in the last minute and made a mad dash to the red zone.

Being 4-2 up we decided that was good enough for us. We could have played more as we were continuously spending money but we’d spent enough on paintballs and called it a day, then left the field winners. (Well three of us did, unlucky for the three red team members!)

I absolutely loved it, the worst hit I took was one directly to the nipple it stings like a hard slap (though women get body armour, so unfair) but it goes away after a minute and you’re fine. You can spend a silly amount of money on paintballs but it’s highly recommended to give it a go. Definitely need to do it again!

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

9 thoughts on “Rambo? Pfft. Move Out Of ‘Ard’s Way”

  1. I think what’s so cool about this is there were different games you got to play with new rules. I’ve fired a paintball gun but never actually played a game. I guess it replaced laser tag which is the wimp’s version.

    This chick actually wanted to go paintballing for her bday? She’s cute too. She like American accents? What about money? I can give her money.

    1. Yeah, she actually won the game for her team on one of the games too. Which is a shame because she was on the red team. (And I didn’t get to shoot her.)

      The game areas were pretty expansive too, I think there’s twelve different games in total and we only played six so there’s definitely a reason to go back.

      I don’t know if she can be bought, I would have already tried this if I thought she could haha! Plus the dude to her left is her boyfriend, they call him The Drakeinator… Well I do anyway.

      1. My favorite part of this was the “I had one ball left” because after watching the video I completely forgot what I was reading and thought you had been hit in a very bad place.

  2. You look quite rugged in that picture, Pete. Very ard indeed.
    I’ve played laser tag but never went paint balling. I think I’d be awesome, I’m very stealth. Haha!

    1. Thanks, it’s the beard I think that does it 😀 having a beard and afro hair suits me I think.

      You’d definitely be on my team, I’ve played laser tag before but this is just so much better.

  3. I’d love to play paintball. Bud was on a team when he was in high school–not a single tree around my house doesn’t still bear the remains of paintball practice!! I was never able to hit the side of a barn, much less a tree, so, don’t pick me for your team.

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