10 Things That Rate ‘Urt

5 Every Time.
5 Every Time.

At the age of 27 (and a half) I have come across some rate pain in my life. You don’t become known as ‘Ard Pete otherwise. When you see children walking about in the street or happily skipping their way to school you can’t help but feel sorry for them because they still have all of this to come.

I’m of course not talking about emotional pain, I’m talking about physical pain. I’m talking about things that hurt more than breaking a bone. I mean sure I’ve broken a few bones in my time; I’ve had my finger pierced by a dart drunkenly daring a friend to hit the bullseye. (I over-estimated his darts throwing skill), I’ve been hit by a car, cut my finger open on a meat slicer… I’ve even fractured my skull.

It all sounds pretty painful doesn’t it? But I swear nothing listed above has ever hurt as much as the ten things listed below. These are the types of pain that you feel instantly and can happen anywhere at any time. I’m surprised I even dare leave my bed some days.

1. Standing On An Up-Turned Plug

upturnedplugThis actually happened today, this is what gave me the idea for this post. This hurts so much because you’re walking about barefoot, feeling the softness of the carpet underneath your toes when all of a sudden out of nowhere you feel a three pronged attack!

Little did I know when I was asleep my mother had been hoovering the vast amount of dog hairs the dog keeps leaving around on the red carpet. Took the plug out of the socket when she’d finished and left the hoover by my bedroom door, then after she had gone downstairs probably to shout at my dad about something insignificant; one of the (four) cats came out of its hiding place and began playing with the power cable.

The cat then hears me groan and get out of bed when I wake up at a modest 11am and runs away. I open my door still bleary eyed and make the march to the bathroom for my morning wee. As I stagger forward my right foot stamps on the up-turned plug making me yell “AHH FUCKING ELL!” and hopping the rest of the way to the bathroom.

The worst pain is definitely the type you don’t expect, it definitely made me feel more wake and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

2. Papercut

Something I don’t get as much since buying a Kindle (yet another reason to buy one) but I remember reading something and harmlessly turning the page to see what happens next when suddenly the only thing that happens next is a barrage of pain as a blunt sheet of paper slices through your skin. Your first reaction is to go “OOH!” then suck on said finger to try and ease the pain. If you ever wondered why Papercuts hurt more than nearly slicing your finger off with a meat slicer this is an apt explanation.

It’s not just the sudden shock of pain that gets you though, it’s when you try touching things afterwards, such as trying to eat a salty bag of crisps or something. Now you’ve got salt in your wound! Or if you try and put on aftershave in the morning or even if you like tapping your fingers on a desk. It can literally hurt for days.

3. Standing On A Drawing Pin (Thumb Tack)

Where's The Other 8 Amirite?
Where’s The Other 8 Amirite?

Much like standing on an up-turned plug you never expect this to happen, you never walk around carefully placing your feet down after each step so when you step on something like a pin you’re then tasked with having to pull it out afterwards.

About 15 years ago a drawing pin fell out of the wall that was supporting my Seven Of Nine (from Star Trek) poster. I remember being in my room with my cousin, think it was around Christmas time as my grandparents were making a rare visit. I stood on the pin and instantly dropped to the floor like I had just been shot. (Obviously being shot wouldn’t hurt as much as this.)

Unable to pull out the pin due to the sheer pain, my Grandmother came up. I can’t remember if she was sober or not, chances are she wasn’t. She told me to stop being a big baby and ruthlessly yanked it out. I haven’t had a poster on my wall since.

4. Stubbing Your Toe

Imagine this; you’re walking along about to enter another room when for some reason your foot decides to be a bit lazy and you catch the metal strip along the carpet that divides the two rooms. Or you’re not watching where you’re going and you bang your toe on the edge of the door or a chair. It causes you to hop around like an idiot for a few seconds, it’s always your big toe and in some cases can result in a black toenail which eventually falls off. Just thinking of this is making you take an intake of air with pursed lips! I can’t tell.

5. Hang Nail

If you’re like me and you bite your nails this can sometimes be a regular occurence. It doesn’t always hurt at first but you soon realize the pain is there and can be there for a few days.

I don’t know why I bite my nails, I have some nail clippers somewhere in my room but when you’ve got some idiot droning on at you down the phone there’s nothing better than having a good nail chew. Unfortunately if you don’t do a good enough job the nail can go down into your skin and draw blood. It’s worse when you’re cutting your toe nails and it happens then (I’m not flexible enough to bite my toe nails) because then you have to contend with blood on your socks.

6. Banging Your Funny Bone

In your arm you have what’s called an ulnar nerve which is an unprotected nerve on the inside of your elbow. If you catch your arm in the right (or wrong) place the ulnar nerve will bang against your humerus bone which gives you a funny feeling. It sends a weird shock of feeling throughout your body. (Who says my blog isn’t educational) You can actually feel this nerve if you press underneath your elbow.

All too often I’m spinning around in my chair at work (because I like feeling dizzy lolz) and accidentally catching my elbow on the edge of the table. This generally gets a “Ahh bastard!” response out of me. Which is dangerous if I’m actually on a call.

7. Cutting Yourself While Shaving

foamyObviously from recent pictures of myself you can imagine I don’t get this that often these days considering the bushyness of my beard. And even when I do shave I usually use an electric razor just keep that right amount of stubble on my face.

When I was younger however back when I first starting shaving I whipped out my Mach 3 and have a wet shave. There’s nothing quite like covering your face with shaving foam and then removing it all again. But if you’re not careful the sharp blades you’re running over your face will cut into you and cause you to bleed!

The initial shock is pretty damn painful and then you have to look stupid with a bit of toilet roll on your face until the blood clots. What I used to do is dab a bit of aftershave on a piece of tissue and press that against the cut, while painful the alcohol dries up the cut and stops the bleeding quicker.

I have a story that involves me trimming my downstairs with a pair of scissors, not paying attention and then using the old aftershave trick afterwards. I’d tell it in full but I’m told it’d bring tears to Satan’s eyes.

8. Chapped Lips

ChappedlipsThis usually happens when your lips become dry and the natural oil that protects your lips disappears. Either due to excessive licking of lips or cold weather. When I worked abroad in the French Alps a couple years back the temperature up there was well below freezing during the night.

In fact, if you left a glass of water or a can of coke outside overnight it would actually freeze the liquid solid. So imagine being out in that cold on a daily basis, your lips become dry due to the dry air, you lick your lips more to try and give them moisture but it only dries them out quicker. Your lips become cracked which doesn’t really hurt at first but if you’re like me and you like salty foods you’ll soon feel the pain then.

Salt and vinegar crisps (potato chips) are like a drug to me. I just love them. But when you have chapped lips and you’re trying to enjoy a pack and catch a crisp on the edge of your mouth the enjoyment instantly goes away.

This discomfort and pain is doubled if you have recently been reading a book and suffered a papercut. Luckily unlike papercuts this can be avoided by carrying around chapstick.

9. Plucking Nose Hairs

Now even though all of the above things I’ve listed are pretty damn painful, none of them ever bring tears to my eyes. Things rarely brings tears to my eyes; unless I’m watching something with a sad ending (and it’d have to be really sad, nothing shit like the ending of Marley And Me. I’m glad that damn dog died.) or if I’m feeling proper gay and just feel like having a cry (this too rarely happens).

The only thing that does bring tears to my eyes is when I’m plucking my nose hairs. (WTF!? Use a nose trimmer!) I know, I know. I do often use a nose trimmer these days but if you just have like the one rogue hair up there that doesn’t require a nose trimmer you’ll attempted to just yank the hair out.

However this isn’t like pulling a hair out of your head because these hairs seem to be connected to your brain. When you grab ahold of it and give it a good yank, you feel immense pressure in your face and tears begin forming in your eyes. By the time you have removed the hair you’d wished you had used an electric nose trimmer!

10. Brain Freeze

bfSome would say this is the worst of all the pains. You’re out with friends enjoying an icy milkshake, the flavour is so nice you inhale more of the drink then without warning you feel a sharp pain piercing the insides of your very brain!

You grip your head but no amount of gripping relaxes the pain, it just gets worse. It literally feels like your head is going to implode, you bare your teeth and breath in quickly for no apparent reason. Your friends ask you what’s the matter and the only words you can utter are “BRAIN FREEZE!”

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there and it’s weird because why is your brain aching so much when the frosty liquid is travelling AWAY from your head? It has something to do with cold stuff touching the roof of your mouth but I drink cold things all the time!

The pain lasts for a good 20-30 seconds but then gives you the grief of not being able to enjoy the rest of your cold beverage afterwards. Thanks a lot body.

Have you ever felt any pain similar to these listed? Don’t be a nonce and say child birth or a kick to the nads. We all know they’re nothing compared to what I’ve had to endure above.

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Author: 'Ard Pete

Hey everyone, my names Pete, friends call me 'Ard Pete because... well, I'm well 'Ard. Currently in Chesterfield, England, currently working as an I.T. Technical Lead for BT Business and Public Sector; it sounds more glamourous than it is but I'm a dab hand with Microsoft products. I enjoy television, mainly any Star Trek, all of Stargate, Lost, anything Joss Whedon has produced, 24 and House. Favourite music includes; Mumford and Sons, Jason Mraz, Eminem, Chris Cornell, Ludovico Einaudi, Goo Goo Dolls, Muse, 30 Seconds To Mars basically a wide variety of anything that's real, I hate dance, trance and anything like that, I don't consider that to be music. Not much of a sports guy, I like Professional Wrestling, Mixed Martial Arts, Boxing, I can watch Football but only when I'm forced to watch it. Favourite author is Terry Pratchett, favourite film is Armageddon, favourite comedian is Lee Evans, favourite idiot is Karl Pilkington, favourite game is GTAIII, if there's anything else you wish to know, don't hesitate to ask. I'll more than likely not be busy.

12 thoughts on “10 Things That Rate ‘Urt”

  1. Just reading about the nose hair brought a tear to my eye. I bet pulling your eyes from their sockets wouldn’t hurt as much.

  2. The toe stub is the worst. Do you know why? Because there’s that nano-second before the pain kicks in, and you think ‘Phew, I got away with that’, and then it hits you like a truck and all you can do is lie on the floor writhing like a mental worm and say a lot of swear words.

    1. Haha yeah it’s like when you’re a kid and you scrap your knee on the floor, you don’t cry until AFTER you’ve seen the blood. At least, I hope other people did that :S

  3. Hang nails and brain freezes are the worst in my opinion. I’ve never cut my face shaving (mostly because I don’t shave my face) but I’ve cut my legs many a time. It’s crazy in the shower because blood runs down your leg–it looks like the set of Psycho. But not that extreme. And it actually doesn’t hurt that bad. Hah

    1. I have yet to shave my legs, I’ve had them waxed before and that stung, but I’m ‘Ard so it didn’t hurt too bad either. The hair never really grew back properly after then either…

  4. LOL!!! Great list, Pete. Standing on the upturned plug is mighty painful. Anything that involves a vulnerable part of your body, like the bottom of your feet, can be excruciating. Just wait till you get a little older, in the 45 to 50 range. That’s when the old bod starts betraying you without external instruments of torture necessary. Getting out of bed in the morning and feeling like a truck parked on your back all night is not exactly a treat. I agree with Lil, hang nails and brain freezes (because you can do nothing about them) are high on my list of painful annoyances.
    PS – the thumb tack story cracked me up – your Grandmother sounds awesome.

    1. Hah she may sound awesome, she was a bitch but now she can’t even remember who I am so I guess I won in the end! Hopefully I’ll be mega rich by the time I hit my 50s so I’ll have no need to get out of bed. I’ll just have people bring me stuff all the time, all I’ll have to do is have a bell to ring. Or an intercom system.

  5. Are you infected with a drop of masochist’s blood? And plucking out your nose hair – you’re a brave soul aren’t you. Or perhaps a complete idiot. Girls are idioter though, trying to be a hairless baby. Have you tried plucking eyebrow hair? That’s just one of the things they endure for the sake of beauty. Idiots.

    1. Unfortunately I have no need to pluck my eyebrows because my eyebrows are naturally beautiful 😛 I opt for the old nose trimmers most of the time but you never know when there’ll be a stray and you’re out in public and you need it removing quickly!

  6. I read this before work this morning and I almost made myself late- I blame you entirely, you were making me laugh far too much. Upturned plugs, chapped lips and brain freezes are right up there in ‘Fuck Me, That Hurts Land’ (a terrible land to visit)- though I would also offer up stepping on a Lego piece as rather shit-a-brick awful.

    1. Aye I can imagine standing on lego would hurt but you’re more likely to stand on a plug than a piece of lego unless you have a lot of lego laying around, which I don’t haha.

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