While I write this, I must admit that I am currently quite intoxicated; I had attended a work friends wedding where I some how managed a jagerbomb, two pints of bitter and 9 Jack Daniels and cokes on an empty stomach. I know; you must think me a legend, you wouldn’t be mistaken.
However as a result of that I find the room spinning and writing this is all I can do to stop me from wasting £40 worth of drinks. It’s also at this stage where I feel quite sentimental, Pete Howorth, the ‘Ardest man that ever lived, feeling sentimental; shocking right?
I don’t know if anyone reads this anymore but it helps me get things off of my mind and it’ll probably help me sleep better, anyway you never know what a drunk Pete will say. (Only to more than likely regret it in the morning)
But it’s these sort of times where I realise that I am lucky to be the person who I am. I live a life where my brains constantly switched on, so much so that I probably only average three to four hours of sleep a night just because for one reason or another I lay awake at night constantly second guessing every single thing I did that day. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I’ve made so many mistakes over the years; I try and make sure I don’t repeat history.
Not just that however, I have had my battle with depression in the past, a battle that I fought alone and in silence because I was embarressed to tell anyone how I felt for fear of them thinking less of me; I will always remember Robin Williams’ quote that said “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
I have lived many years trying to make the lives of other people that little bit better by being the clown, being the funny guy. Seeing the joy and laughter in their faces makes me forget what I felt inside a lot of the time. But after awhile their laughter would fade and I’d be stuck in my own mind again, the worst place I could possibly be.
But nights like these, they make me realise that I am one of the luckiest people that ever lived, I go to a wedding and I am welcomed with open arms by people I have never met before; the people I am there with, I don’t just feel like they tolerate me, I feel like they want to be there with me. I know the sort of person I can be at times, perhaps a little over-bearing, argumentative, annoying, an all around “bit of a bellend”. I can’t explain why I act like this, it’s kept me awake so many nights before; that constant thought of “why did I have to say that?” Too many knocks to the head? I don’t know. But they love me none the less and they’ll never realise how thankful I am of that because I’ve always felt it was a love that was undeserved.
Some people I know, they have a large loving family that all live locally; a family that they see all the time, big family gatherings that I could only ever imagine in my dreams. I myself have quite a small family, a lot of my relatives are spread out between Chesterfield and Scotland; I don’t have any siblings and while I love my parents, cousins, uncles and aunts unconditionally, I have often felt that there is a bit of a void there because I don’t get to see them as much as I want.
It’s this exact reason that I hold my “friends” in the highest regard; as I said above, I’m sure you all know the type of person I can be, I certainly do even when I don’t mean to be and the fact that they’re still loyal and loving and they go out of their way to make sure my wellbeing is being looked after, they have had my back since the beginning; this is when I stop considering them friends, because they’re my family too.
While they may have seen me at my best, they’ve definitely seen me at my worst aswell and even at my worst they have stuck around, to this day I could never start to contemplate why. This is why I’m the luckiest man in the world, they make me feel like I’m not worthless, that I am wanted. Even when certain people choose a path where I won’t get to see them everyday and I act like a childish prick, I hope they still know that underneath all of the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, I love them unconditionally and I am forever grateful for them having my back.
Whether it’s people I work with, live with, live across the world from, people I have just met or known for many years; when you have that worthless feeling yourself (and I know some of you do) and that life is just sometimes that little bit too hard; just remember that each and every single one of you keep at least one person in this world going; you’re as important to me as anyone else is even if I don’t always show it.